(Or top 20 things people have said or wish they could say to me)
1. That cool pub in Chennai is called Bikes & Barrels not Bird & Basket. (And it really is cool, so your mocking laughter is uncalled for.)
2. We cannot understand your tendency to laugh raucously at a scene in a movie that was not meant to provide comic relief in the first place; we also object to your tittering even 10 minutes after the scene. Your misplaced mirth is a catalyst for B-Complex whose glee has a tendency to create tremors measuring 1.2 on the Richter scale.
3. You watched Saw 1 through 4 back-to-back and thrive on gory horror flicks but keel at the sight or even suggestion of blood in real life? Don't you think there is something amiss in that?
4. It is not normal to shout out you cannot find the Gummy Bears as soon as the lights go out instead of groping around for a flashlight like the rest of us.
5. Give up claiming you can speak Telugu; all you can really say are a bunch of offensive lines someone taught you back in hostel. Besides, it isn’t polite to comment on the size of anyone’s anatomical parts no matter what language you may say it in.
6. Relax, it is only a friendly game of Scrabble; not the World Championship and you don’t need to win at everything.
7. Not everything green, leafy and in your plate is part of some underworld plot to eliminate you slowly but painfully.
8. Wouldn’t it be easier to spell your surname just like the other 1,000 people from your community or must you be difficult and different all the time?
9. While on the subject of spelling names, it really isn’t worth cultivating a haematoma just because somebody inserted that extra “H” in your first name.
10. The correct term would be “bindi” for that dot on the forehead, not “moni” - however that came about!
11. No, painting the dog’s toe nails pink or silver does not speak volumes about HIS fashion sense.
12. Get a grip on your creative juices; during work hours is not a good time to experience a creative Big Bang.
13. Learn to hang up the phone; yawns followed by a light snoring should give you some indication that this conversation was over a long time ago.
14. Recording a person snoring and then assigning that as a personalised ring tone for whenever the person calls is not okay.
15. Respect your elders. That includes refraining from regaling people with tales of how your sibling ran after a sparrow with a salt shaker or accused a pigeon of hanging a large pair of chequered pyjamas on his balcony.
16. Not everybody even three years your junior still wears diapers or can be referred to as a “foetus.”
17. Dirty socks do not go in your mother’s handbag - same as that picture of the beaming moustachioed politician in a crisp white shirt and tri-colour scarf does not belong in her wallet next to the family picture.
18. Some of us like to saunter up mountain slopes not dash up to the summit like there’s a scalp-collecting brigand on your tail.
19. People tend to spook when you smile at people just because you got a funny image of them in your head or heard an unintentional innuendo.
20. Do not tease people on a diet with food or complaints about your high metabolism. You really are toeing the ragged edge of disaster with that one.