Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Letter to My Six-Year-Old Self

Dear Six-Year-Old Basically Blah,

Look what I found! Your first “published” article.


Remember how proud you were because it was the first article in the school magazine that year? I suspect this was one of the worst editorial decisions ever made in the history of editorial decision making. It would be safe to assume that this caused a considerable decline in the number of student applications made to the school the following year.

You ought to be ashamed putting something like this up for the world to see. Here are a bunch of reasons why:

Firstly, which kid in their right senses keeps tadpoles? Were two goldfish in a bowl not fascinating enough for you?

More importantly, where did you get these peculiar mutant tadpoles? They appear bigger than the dogs and even the cows. If indeed those odd hunched creatures with the unicorn horns are cows. What is your standard excuse - “The tadpole ate my homework” or "The dog that ate my homework was eaten by my tadpole"?

The big cow appears to be a paedophilic pervert. I will not go into the details.

Are all your dogs two-legged? And I use the term “dogs” loosely, since it appears the third such creature is actually a paramecium.

Your MOTHER keeps those tadpoles in a bowl? Really now. This is a bit of a stretch even for your family of oddballs. But congratulations on publishing that bit of fiction to all and sundry. I believe your mother resented attending PTA meetings for months afterward, having to deal with the shame of being called the ‘crazy tadpole lady’. You are quite the tale weaver. Would it be more truthful to say that your mother looks after your precious tadpoles when you go off for months together to boarding school?

Also, here’s a revelation: When those mutant tadpoles grow into little frogs and hop away, your sneaky mother replaces them with more before you come home so as to avoid your throwing a tantrum. You could never tell the difference, you pint-sized pinhead.

Here’s a little lesson about life while we’re on the subject of amphibians. Seeing as I am much older and somewhat wiser now. You are better off when frogs go away. You have far more trouble when frogs come hopping into your bowl…err…life. In addition to being slimy, they, most importantly, never turn into princes.

Well, don’t feel too badly about all this, 6-year-old BB. You will be glad to know that that precocious and loquacious little girl with the affinity for all little creatures of the animal kingdom still lives on in this woman who is now hurtling toward “old age” faster than your mother could replace those errant tadpoles.

Oh, and do keep writing! It makes your life far more interesting and eventful in more ways than even you can imagine. So brace for the years ahead, moppet.

(No kisses and hugs because I know you hate them.)

Cheers,
Present-Day Basically Blah.

P.S. Whatever you do, do not become friends with this KO person. She appears to be delusional and harbours suicidal inclinations, judging from her article in the same magazine:


Note to the school magazine editorial team:
I am totally baffled as to why you would choose such an article to begin your magazine. Was it because your other choice was this?



I suppose it stands to reason that this could cause some fears among parents about the safety of their kids, considering that their first grade teacher appears to be a molting, stilt-walking Sasquatch.

Read the exchange my discovery sparked off with KO here.

11 comments:

  1. My 6 year old self used to go tadpole fishing with friends. This meantlying flat beside the pond for hours(might have been minutes but in childhood time it’s hours), catching them tadpoles only to let them slip through your fingers soon after. Your post brought back that old memory.

    Also, me thinks Miss ‘Fantasy-Life’ Weaver might turn suicidal once she wakes up to reality.

    ~~~Never Fear, KO’s here~~~

    P.S. Also, I sound like a “sky-high” stalker.

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  2. @KO...Ur 6 yr old self sounds like she's on something...was it the grass growing in the lawns in the so called school / convent (as it is more often considered by outsiders)? Glad to see the present day self seems to be more grounded...

    @BB...Din't you also teach Terror#2 and me to catch the tadpoles and take them to school to show off as our loving pets??? n then also teach us to catch ur goldfish in the tank just for kicks??? oh how u've spoiled such wonderfully innocent kids...Remember the canal jumping and trekking err swimming err not sure what to call it...

    BTW wats wid the animal porn and at the age of 6...no wonder my heads always in the gutter...with role models like u to guide me at that wonderfully tender age I was bound to turn out the way I have...

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  3. @Kaotic: What was with us 'hill-billies' and tadpoles?

    @Terror: It was called a leisurely walk, you freak! You despicable brats turned it into a horrific event of 'canal jumping' and tadpole stomping.

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  4. Reminds me of the six-year-old-me who got his 'rain rain go away' type of a silly rhyme published in the school mag. The older brother had a very plausible explanation that the school must've been trying to give all the other kids the hope that they too could get their work published. Talk of setting standards! ;-)

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  5. @Varun: That is the exact explanation KO had for the publication of the junk mentioned in the post. :)

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  6. The last time I heard the word paramecium, we were in the last millennium.

    Play around with the meter of 'cloudy thoughts' and it can pass off as haiku. Honest.

    You could spell 'tadpoles' when you were in standard I? That's almost a crime BB!

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  7. @NG: That's ripe coming from someone wielding the name of a 19th century writer ;)

    Send me a sample. That comment is causing much angst among cloudy thinkers. Honest.

    :P

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  8. I burst and pour out
    and live no more
    white, fluffy cloud

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  9. Tradition, tradition! ;-)April 16, 2011 at 4:19 PM

    White cloud in the sky
    Fluffy cotton floating by
    Then it bursts and dies.

    ~~~A Novice Speaks~~~

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  10. Sprouting legs of green
    Blippety blop tadpole popped
    Croak! Froggy hip hop.

    ReplyDelete
  11. People, how did a post about some ancient article turn into a haiku session? Seriously!

    @Trad & Froggy: I know who you people are. One thing you do not know is that I am watching you all the time. Mind it.

    @NG: This is all your fault!

    ReplyDelete

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