Monday, January 24, 2011

Laws of Revulsion

Excerpts from “Every Indian guy’s secret guide to impressing a woman”

1. Stare. Stare. Stare. (Creepiness is irresistible)

2. Talk at the top of your voice. Be brash, rude and crude. (Gentlemen prefer blondes and genteel women prefer Attila the Hun)

3. Sit with your legs splayed apart, tapping one foot in a slightly epileptic gesture. (Nothing screams “come hither” louder than a rampant display of sexual frustration)

4. Send her a note through the waiter so that she is blown away by your ability to scrawl like a four-year old and form sentences like you’re six. (It could bring out her maternal instinct, increasing your chances)

5. Walk up to her, plonk your glass of beer in front of her and squat on your haunches. Then rock back and forth on your heels while you compose your thoughts. (There is something irresistibly sexy about this particular simian-like stance)

6. Do the “cool dude” dance which involves alternatively clutching at your family jewels and revving a pretend motorcycle. (Smooth movements vertically are indicative of smooth moves horizontally)

7. Imbibe so much alcohol so as to crash into her on the dance floor sending her grappling at her girlfriend for support like a desperate lesbian. (Nothing like a little girl-on-girl to get a party started)

8. Send her a text or an email that reads “Hai” (spelt exactly like that) and for added effect use the clawing “Dear”. (Imagine hearing her say, “You had me at ‘hai’” a la Jerry Maguire)

9. Be an “ass wipe” at the gym. Literally. Leave rivulets of sweat on a workout bench. When the woman, looking to use it after you, asks for it to be cleaned up, wipe the perspiration off with your bottom. (Don’t forget to laugh raucously at your cute innovativeness)

10. Ogle at the print on her t-shirt and say “Nice” very appreciatively. When she looks at you all aghast, quickly remark, “No, I meant your tee.” Then add, “Not that THEY are not nice…” before scuttling to safety. (No bigger turn-on than the scent of desperation)


  1. #10 - Ah-men indeed!
    #7 - I remember, I remember. ;-)

  2. @KO: Hai dear. Great to hear that the memory is intact. Now stop being a stool pigeon. This is a public space! :P

  3. I have a cousin who always greets me with a 'hie'. Men, I've rejected have always said 'So dear, tell me about yourself.' LOL. I love this post. Sharing it everywhere.

  4. @Bhumika: Ugh! I swear. Nothing evokes the bile as much as that ghastly "dear".

    Thank ye :)

  5. I'm enjoying playing the "stool pigeon" today. Very gratifying.:D

  6. Hai dear,

    Greetings from the land of the sambhar and chutney...U r the most fandastically amazing woeman writer I is coming across now a days...I think we be putting friendships soonly dont you thinks... I thinks you are bootieful...please accept the friendships...
    Ayoo I will die if you say no...

    Eeeks...I just creeped and disgusted myself...*shudders*... How is it that you are a magnet to such wonderfully colorful characters?

  7. Haven't laughed this hard, so far this year yet!
    Will keep coming back.
    @Bhu: Thanks for sharing.

  8. @Kaotic: Respect gag orders!

    @Terror: Hai handsome. I am very much thankful for your friendships offer. What I do without it and all?

    Gah! Why am I a magnet for such "wonderfully colourful
    characters"? That's easy. Opposites attract ;) Ahem!

    @Rati: Welcome to this little corner of virtual insanity :)

  9. Oh Hai...U call me handsome...blush...shy is coming...Yes we will suffer and rot in hell if v dont hv our wonderful friendships oh bootieful one...

    Look at what uv made me become...not only do I sound wierd...I'm starting to think like tat also...sigh...the drama king is in the house yo...

    Virtual rash has just left the building..............

  10. How did you know? :O And about #10 - poor fellow, I presume, was just being honest :P

    P.S. Where do you meet these people? Really, where? Do you hang out and party in the Bangalorean equivalent of Dharavi kya?

  11. @SEPO: Terrible what we women have to put up with, huh?

    @NG: Trust you to empathise totally :P

    P.S. Like flies to garbage they come no matter which locality. Btw, which area of Bombay are you at? Just for reference purposes, you know ;)

  12. # 9 is hilarious! Did you do the trademark "thoo?"

    I read out #9 to a bunch of boys/men here and I heard raucous laughter at the end of it. Obviously they found it funny and missed the point. Need I say more.

  13. @NG... She attracts men like a moth to a flame...n just like a moth gets burnt so do the guys hehehe...Good thing its only the ass wipes and the oglers who end up getting burnt...

    @BB...With friends like me........The love will always be like a nagging toothache... OK u need to add a new heads spinning with all the nonsense I can post...mostly inappropriate for the public...BTW where'd the stool pigeon go?

  14. @NG: Tsk.

    @Anu: Of course, I did. I was mortified! I assume the boys/men included Aruna? Typical. Thoo. Yes, do tell him I said that.

    @Terror: You bleddy haemorrhoid. Stool pigeon must be licking her wounds since you've obviously usurped her all of her duties, including weaving tales.

  15. Muahahaha....Haemorrhoid.....pot calling the kettle black...

    U do know with that problem u uhm hv, you can never step foot into malawi right? You'll be thrown into jail... Uhm what's that problem again...uhm what did they ban recently in malawi??? Kidding...u know I lowe u...

    Like I said...with friends like me ur world can never be boring...from the age of 4 till now...I think the stool pigeon will be on my side as its cos of friends like us ur world gets shaken n stirred like a good martini...

  16. Men should learn yoga and not wax their chests like Mr. Bipasha Basu.

    Come to my Yoga Peet in Haridwar, oh delicate one.

    *Keepin'it real*

    Peace out!
    Ramdev...Baba Ramdev.

  17. @Silly Guru: "May I have your attention please?
    May I have your attention please?
    Will the real Baba Ramdev please stand up?
    I repeat, will the real Baba Ramdev please stand up?"

    P.S. You meant your little harem in Madras, eh? :P

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  19. You really ought to publish the “Every Indian guy’s secret guide – ‘Impressing a woman you meet online” version !


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