Sunday, June 5, 2011

How To Be A Moron At The Movies

1. Cut the queue at the ticket counter. (Silly queue-following people have nothing better to do for fun but stand and stare at the back of peoples’ heads, apparently.)

2. Enter the theatre late. Grope your fellow moviegoers inappropriately to help you find your seat in the darkened hall.

3. Stomp on feet while you sidle your way through the row of seats, lose your balance and hang your ample behind precariously over the lap of someone already seated. (This creates quite the dilemma in their minds - do I just yell in alarm or grab on, shove and hope for the best?)

4. Blab loudly with your companion about something totally unrelated to the movie (because everyone paid good money to come to the theatre to listen to your wildly exciting description of your balcony in Delhi.)

5. Keep your cellphone ringer on and entertain more calls than a 24/7 call centre handles in a year.

6. Begin a slanging match with anyone who dares to shush you. (Everyone needs to hear what an expansive arsenal of expletives you possess.)

7. Take your own sweet time ordering enough food for a small African nation at the snack counter. Then create a scene because you haven’t the money to pay for it and insist that the staff try several credit, debit and other bits of plastic to cover the bill.

8. Mourn loudly to your companion that the popcorn “back home in the States” is so much better than here - they don’t scrounge on the butter etc. (Your American Eagle Outfitter t-shirt will convince everyone you are the real deal even though your Paragon rubber chappals might raise some doubt.)

9. Start a popcorn fight with your companions. Make sure you drench everybody, including complete strangers, with your aerated cola.

10. Once your store of popcorn ammo is exhausted, poke around for more everywhere you can think of, including under the bottom of your neighbour. (What better excuse to cop a good feel, eh?)

11. Bring in a whole brood of babbling, whining children who do not comprehend the language in the first place. (Nothing aggravates fellow moviegoers more than having a 90-minute film translated word-for-word into some vernacular dialect.)

12. Ensure that the aforementioned children carry with them one or more of the following items which can be liberally applied onto fellow moviegoers: Bubble-blowing solution, sticky chewing gum retained on grubby fingers, snot-laden tissue etc.

13. If the film goes off due to a technical glitch, remain seated and do nothing yourself, but ensure that you keep yelling, “Hey, somebody tell them! Somebody do something. Why is everybody just sitting?”

14. If you choose to do something about it yourself, stand up, turn toward the projection room and clap your hands – because the equipment is probably clap-activated, right?

15. Place your cup of gooey chocolate mousse on the next seat just as your neighbour is seating himself/herself down.

16. Apologise profusely and offer the now squashed remains of the mousse to placate your highly upset neighbour.

17. Remove your shoes and rest your toe-jammy feet on the seat in front of you.

18. Squat down in the middle of the exit stairwell, placing your precious helmet next to you, mindless of the stream of people almost tripping over you. If the movie did not have enough action, someone tumbling down the stairs in real life should satisfy everybody’s bloodlust.


  1. @Nish: Of course, you have. You ain't called Pest for nothing! ;)

  2. Again, this happens only in your world :|

    P.S. ROFL @ 13 :D

  3. @NG: You so do 13, don't you? Come on now, fess up ;)

  4. and how many have you had to face urself? BTW a nyc writeup!

  5. Hmmm, "popcorn fight" sure rings a bell. What was that movie again, BB? Name it if you can!:p

  6. @Aashish: All of them! Danke.

    @KO: Breaking & Entering starring Jude Law! Ha! Bite me, Kay!

  7. Talk about "A Body of Lies". Shame on ya, BB!

    ~~~The Green Zone~~~

  8. @KO: Oh, that movie. I'd actually forgotten. Can't blame me - you know, with the trauma of being used as a popcorn tub and all.

  9. You complain a lot...

  10. Now, this is something that almost every Indian who cannot afford those exclusive, cozy, secluded bucket seats at the theatre goes through. It could just be the city. For me its Bangalore over Delhi, anyday. Not a perfect audience but much more considerate crowd.

  11. I totally agree with everyone of your points. I love the way you've expressed them! :)

  12. Inappropriate?
    "My bum is on your lips, my bum is on your lips
    And if I'm lucky you might just give it a little kiss."

    Next time, I'm dunking cola into their pants. Pants, yes!

  13. @Anon: I do, don't I? Such a bad person I am. *Spank spank*

    @Airborne: I agree. Although, just for the record, most of my post is based on episodes in Bangalore ;)

    @Starry_Eyed: Thank you :)

    @Imminent: "Attention all units, attention all units
    We have an All Points Bulletin out on a man with green hair
    I repeat, we have an APB on a man with green hair
    He's armed with a knife, I repeat, he's armed with a knife
    Proceed with caution, watch your back fellas
    He could be coming to Madras next"

  14. LOL.........wondering do u do all of these or experienced. I think it’s not the just might be YOU :)!!!

  15. @Naughty: I am guilty of one of the points mentioned. Go figure :)

  16. Clap-clap! Hello, my neglected one!

    Greetings from the Peet!

    I can train you in special combat techniques (I learnt when I was but a little boy of eleven years)that will help you ward off these evil creatures. Spine-fizzing cola, rib-tickling hands and feet-murdering lead-stuffed shoes will never be a problem!

    You know what to do, right? Clap-clap? Mais non!

    Come, come to my Peet in Haridwar!!


    Ramdev...Baba Ramdev

  17. Hahahahaha. Movies and movie halls are not my scene. But if it were, I would do 13. As it is, I usually fall asleep. Oh, and on one occasion I walked on someone who was lying down in the aisle for some reason. You could maybe add that too.

  18. one choice parting gift not mentioned in aforementioned blog requires premeditation to annoy fellow idiotic money spenders -- consume copious amounts of gram or chickpea based nourishment a day before movie event - then feel free to let the dynamics of pneumatic balancing of the intestines do the rest during the course of the drivel being presented on screen....sometimes it clears the surroundings .. if you get the 'drift' (pun intended)

  19. ROFL!!!

    seriously, i wish they could make this into some sort of a guide and distribute free copies to everyone outside the movie hall...
    If the shoe doesn't fit, they could take it as a (practical) joke...and if it does, then atleast they'd be embarrassed enough not to do it :P

    loved the cynicism in each of the pointers :D

  20. waiting for more posts! Don't disappear on us like that :)

  21. @Silly Guru: Only silence now, Baba?

    @Bhumika: You meet even stranger people than I do. It is oddly comforting to know that!

    @DH: Urrgh! I recently encountered that as well. Sheer chemical warfare.

    @Pri: Now that's an alternative career - distributing those pamphlets. Thanks :)

    @Geetlee: Your wish is my command, missy. New post up.

  22. Cent percent true.... right on target.. good job. :)


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