"In the world of diplomacy, some things are better left unsaid." Luckily, I can blog them.
I’d like to think that I have the gift of the gab. I certainly hope to God I do because I haven’t much else. (I have whined about this before. *Click*) To put it mildly: When talent was being distributed, I completely missed the memo and was most likely doing something pointless like foraging for goji berries.
Therefore, to bolster some semblance of self-worth, I tell myself I possess a glib tongue. Of course, this is a pretty useless thing to possess and has, on occasion upon joyous occasion, utterly failed me. I was afflicted by social paralysis. It is possible that my heightened sense of diplomacy and love for keeping the peace overrides what I ought to have said in response to certain obnoxious individuals I have had the misfortune to encounter.
So, without further ado, I present my shortlist of unfounded accusations hurled at me by half-wits and the responses I wish I’d mustered enough courage to actually give:
"You're shallow."
Na-ah! I’m not shallow. On a scale of bottle cap to Indian Ocean, I’d rank around the depth of a hospital bed pan. I’d say that's pretty good considering the amount of poop I to have to put up with.
"People hesitate to approach you."
Hell, yeah, if they’re selling weed or their grandsons, sometimes their weed-smoking grandsons. People may hesitate to approach me but they sure as hell have no problems in reproaching me. Isn't that a good thing…for them?
"You hate our parties."
That’s because you use the term "party" loosely. What you should aptly be calling it is a "coma inducing night of Bingo/Tambola with a crowd of septuagenarians". Then I wouldn't hate your parties. I'd simply avoid them. Oh, wait. I did!
"There’s no such thing as a 50-50 relationship. It’s 60-40 at best. Women must compromise 200%."
Ooh, look who finally woke up! Rip Van Winkle. You've been asleep the last couple of centuries. Not to worry, you didn't miss much. Just a couple of tiny, insignificant things like the atom bomb, a vaccine for small pox and, oh, yeah, WOMEN'S LIB.
"Your blog has no journalistic excellence."
That’s why it's a blog, not The Wall Street Journal. Duh.
"You suck."
Yeah, you’re right. Glad we can agree on something.
Okay, so that last one I might have actually said. And it isn't even clever. Sigh. Yep, I suck.
I’d like to think that I have the gift of the gab. I certainly hope to God I do because I haven’t much else. (I have whined about this before. *Click*) To put it mildly: When talent was being distributed, I completely missed the memo and was most likely doing something pointless like foraging for goji berries.
Therefore, to bolster some semblance of self-worth, I tell myself I possess a glib tongue. Of course, this is a pretty useless thing to possess and has, on occasion upon joyous occasion, utterly failed me. I was afflicted by social paralysis. It is possible that my heightened sense of diplomacy and love for keeping the peace overrides what I ought to have said in response to certain obnoxious individuals I have had the misfortune to encounter.
So, without further ado, I present my shortlist of unfounded accusations hurled at me by half-wits and the responses I wish I’d mustered enough courage to actually give:
"You're shallow."
Na-ah! I’m not shallow. On a scale of bottle cap to Indian Ocean, I’d rank around the depth of a hospital bed pan. I’d say that's pretty good considering the amount of poop I to have to put up with.
"People hesitate to approach you."
Hell, yeah, if they’re selling weed or their grandsons, sometimes their weed-smoking grandsons. People may hesitate to approach me but they sure as hell have no problems in reproaching me. Isn't that a good thing…for them?
"You hate our parties."
That’s because you use the term "party" loosely. What you should aptly be calling it is a "coma inducing night of Bingo/Tambola with a crowd of septuagenarians". Then I wouldn't hate your parties. I'd simply avoid them. Oh, wait. I did!
"There’s no such thing as a 50-50 relationship. It’s 60-40 at best. Women must compromise 200%."
Ooh, look who finally woke up! Rip Van Winkle. You've been asleep the last couple of centuries. Not to worry, you didn't miss much. Just a couple of tiny, insignificant things like the atom bomb, a vaccine for small pox and, oh, yeah, WOMEN'S LIB.
"Your blog has no journalistic excellence."
That’s why it's a blog, not The Wall Street Journal. Duh.
"You suck."
Yeah, you’re right. Glad we can agree on something.
Okay, so that last one I might have actually said. And it isn't even clever. Sigh. Yep, I suck.
Some great put-downs there. I often wish (after the event) that I'd responded with pointed wit and sarcasm to demolish the person antagonizing me. Sadly, my mind doesn't usually work quick enough. Another funny, and clever, post.
ReplyDeleteI'm mostly paralysed by the idea of offending the offender.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words.
We've been over this talent thing before in your linked post. Your name was all over the stage, sports field and academic merit list, it makes the rest of us feel bad when the likes of you complain!!!! Quit fishing already!
ReplyDeleteOy! "Things I should have said" is something I would mournfully think about, rehearse in my head and proudly think about AFTER the fact, many a time. Don't worry, it's not just you :-)
ReplyDelete@AK: That's some consolation, thank you! Sigh.
ReplyDeleteBlah: Atleast the quip's there in your head at the right time and it's only diplomacy that holds you back.
ReplyDelete~25 minutes too late~
Question:
What's your response to, "You're a fish!", oh Reviver of Mankind? :-|
~Scion of Beasts~
@Kaotic: Small consolation. It still eats me up later.
ReplyDeleteAnswer:
May be, but I'm not taking your bait.
~Hooked fish, cooked fish~
I just listen and let it pass off!
ReplyDelete