Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Non-Oestrogenic Existence


Surviving more than a quarter of a century as a female in India** has given me a fairly strong sense of what I would like to do if I am reincarnated as an Indian man. Those with no sense of humour (which often goes hand-in-hand with poor comprehension skills) would be well advised to stop reading right now.

At the risk of being a veritable rabble-rouser, here goes (in no particular order):

1. Scratch and dig at every part of my anatomy that itches in public (this would also reassure me that everything I was born with hasn’t fallen off in some freak accident)

2. Urinate on every public wall, tree and milestone I see (the more public viewers, the better because it pays to advertise, you know)

3. Similarly, flaunt the tightest pair of speedos I can find on the beach, strategically positioning myself in front of sun-bathing women who are otherwise distracted by other male forms in boxers (because if you’ve got it or not, you have got to flaunt it)

4. Leer at, pinch, grope, rub and/or fondle every slightly desirable female form I encounter on a public street (because that is what women are on this planet for)

5. Do exactly as my daddy says (because my daddy’s the strongest, greatest and most importantly, male)

6. Use every opportunity as a platform to advertise my manhood (because I might secretly doubt it myself). For eg.:
- Get me the choco latte…because I am a man.
- Move your car out of the way, damn woman driver, man coming through!

7. Declare the kitchen out of bounds for a man with the cliché “a man’s place is not in the kitchen” (because a freak accident could damage what I was blessed to be born with)

8. Order all women who might have had the misfortune of crossing paths with me, voluntarily or involuntarily, to do my every biding - be it in terms of food, beverage, household chores, bedroom chores and so forth (because women will always be lower than pond scum)

9. Dispense advice rather freely that relationships can only work if women “suppress their personalities” and make “200% of the effort” (because a man making even some semblance of that effort would be tantamount to castration)

10. I. Me. Myself.

Acknowledgments:

- Terror#1 - for suggesting that I blog this

- IMM - for making me aware of the existence of an “International Men's Day

- All the related and non-related men in my life, including the ones who’ve come and stayed (and shown me that there are endearing exceptions to the aforementioned) as well as those who have exited (graciously or otherwise)


**No racist or anti-national sentiments here. This is the only country and race I am qualified enough to comment upon.

If you liked this, you will definitely like fellow-blogger Bhumika's take on Ball Breaking

23 comments:

  1. Ahh..I was waiting for the Mary Pickford/Jaya Jaitley in you to burst open. And it did.

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  2. Yay. Thank God for 'endearing exceptions to the aforementioned'. :) Who locked horns with you, I say?

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  3. "women will always be lower than pond scum"? Absolutely love that line!

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  4. The ball-scratchers have scarred me for life!

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  5. @12 years: Haha, glad to have lived up to your expectations!

    @LBV: Thank god for small mercies. The ones who locked horns with me have ungraciously exited... thankfully!

    @I,Me,Myself: "Main mard hoon" and you are despicable foot scrappings! Any bells ringing? ;)

    @Kaotic: Don't worry, 'dear'. In your next life, you will be the scarring ball-scratcher :D

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  6. add to that: jump into a bus or for yuppies jump into a 'flight' headed for Goa, head straight for the beach and buy the largest bottle of anything alcoholic, scratch into your Speedo, ogle all women in bathing costumes especially white women, then jeer and leer at Goan women in dresses and pass judgemental comments on their lifestyle especially how they 'take wine, and do dance' all the while with a bottle in your hand!

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  7. @Noctiluca: Hahaha! That is so typical! (Still guffawing over "take wine and do dance"). Love it.

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  8. Terror #1 acknowledges n takes all the credit being showered... As part of the mentioned group of ball scratching species...I must say the post sounds so right...But I must add the human variety aint the only ones that do the ball scratching...
    @BB - U did forget one thing...there is a certain chicken shit variety that gets controlled by women n is always on a leash...so make sure wen ur reincarnated u don't come back in that category...

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  9. @AJ: The non-human variety resorts to licking, which the human male would no doubt also do if he had one rib less to allow for such maneuvers! Ugh! That is even worse!

    *Shudder* The chicken shit lot are also controlled by their daddies (#5 of post) & related women-kind, which places them right on top of a spine donor list. Spineless bums.

    P.S. Why do I get the feeling we've successfully grossed everybody out?

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  10. Oh you haven't yet seen Due Date...They you will realize why I said animals resort to the same things men do...But then again you are right bout them licking themselves (the animals I mean). I have heard of men doing the above mentioned task as well (Rib probly was removed for such a task).

    With regard to #5 of the post...it does say whims of daddy...but daddy sometimes bends to the whims of mommy...n the chicken shit variety I think comes under that category...all them men succumb to the women...Hey that's a point in favor of women...woohoo...I get some brownie points...

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  11. stumbled on ur blog and had a hearty laugh! Didnt quite understand the daddy thing...thought there were more women on earth wanting to find a guy like good ol daddy ! And yeah, dont think men look for inspiration so close home, and yeah, this inspiration keeps changing coz we just dont end up wanting to be that one person :)

    P.S: Not a pot shot but, isnt it better than women wanting to grow up into barbie dolls, and stressing the men in their lives to admit it !

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  12. @smoking shots: Lol. Well, the daddy thing and a lot of other points have been inspired by characters from real life! I've seen that the umblical cord is sometimes never cut! ;)

    P.S: Strange state of affairs but women might want to grow up into barbie dolls while their men want them to grow to be just like their mummies :)

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  13. Terror #1 is back. BB nice seeing you. As usual the company was wonderful.
    @Smoking shots - Welcome and hope you join the faithful followers of Basically Blah. Bout the barbie doll comment...well I know of lot of the male species who wish they had the barbies surgically fixed to their arms.
    @BB actually men want them to be the hot mommy next door with the equally hot daughter...

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  14. ‎​@BB- Cocka doodle doo. I think I'll give u a clue. No it's not the flu but you'll turn black n blue. Kaotic is not a word it's a pun well I'm sure this is going to be fun.

    @Terror#1 - I don't think anybody missed you as you don't seem to have any responses to your post. Just kidding. Barbies fixed to their arms. All they need to do is buy a Barbie doll and hold it in their hands.

    @Smoking Shots (SS) - I hope your not a Nazi follower. I see somebody has commitment issues. Your secrets safe with me. But between you and me both guys and girls are a confused lot.

    @Kaotic - Peekaboo. Thought I'll make my presence felt in all realms and sphere's you might haunt. You can love me you can hate me. You can keep trying to figure out who I am. All I can say is a secret protégé and admirer I am.

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  15. @Smoking Shots: My apologies on behalf of the "presumptious and rude" Mystery. I wouldn't take it personally if I were you as it's a simple case of mistaken identity. :-)

    @Terror#1: You have been HIT! Welcome to the true taste of chaos.

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  16. Hey Mystery, Kaotic's made you history. Well about the pple missing me...Well there r a number who do but tats for me to know n u not to bother finding out.
    Mystery you ain't no secret admirer, I just think you're a wuss of the first order. You ain't got the balls to confront Kaotic or BB in person, so you hide behind this facade of mystery. My guess you have a fear of rejection.

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  17. woah ! quite an active comments sections folks !

    @BB - Ah ! men and mommies eh ? Guess men are too emotional and attached to the last known woman. So, gf42 gets compared to gf41, and bad if you are gf1 coz u know whr the comaprison goes to. But yeah, i admit that women certainly are graceful and accept wht thy get without complaints !

    @Terror#1 - lol @ the surgery ! too much of eye candy so close gets suffocating too, no ?

    @Mystery - Very interesting and thnks to K for clearing it. Women defeat men in gettin confused anyday. Guess men are born with larger doses of contention !

    @Kaotic - Thanks ! Some darts in the arrow do hit the mark at times :)

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  18. Using Terror #1's style. I'm back. Did anyone miss me? I doubt it. I'm sure the response on everyone's mind is 'Oh shit, mystery is back'. Well too bad for you all. I'm back to make life hell.

    @Terror #1. I like the attitude. I'm sure it's there just because you're posting your messages online. I wonder if you would say the same if you met me in person. (I shall leave that to your interpretation) - and maybe I don't have the balls to stand up to them.

    @Kaotic. Stop protecting the innocent ones from losing their virginity. At some point in time people have to grow up and stand on their own feet.

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  19. @Basically Blah. Now now are my eyes deceiving me or has my post been deleted. Well have no fear mystery is here. The post shall miraculously reappear.

    Using Terror #1's style. I'm back. Did anyone miss me? I doubt it. I'm sure the response on everyone's mind is 'Oh shit, mystery is back'. Well too bad for you all. I'm back to make life hell.
    @Terror #1. I like the attitude. I'm sure it's there just because you're posting your messages online. I wonder if you would say the same if you met me in person. (I shall leave that to your interpretation) - and maybe I don't have the balls to stand up to them.
    @Kaotic. Stop protecting the innocent ones from losing their virginity. At some point in time people have to grow up and stand on their own feet.

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  20. @Mystery: Blogspot (rather appropriately?) decided that your comments were spam and that's where your comments disappeared. :)

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  21. Get me the choco latte... because I'm a man?

    Lady, I think you've met a whole bunch of the wrong sort of men.

    Nonetheless, funny post.

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  22. @notgogol: There is a right sort??! ;)

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  23. Bah! Misandry toh misandry hi sahi!

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